MountEverest.net advised: “It doesn’t require 10 years of climbing to attempt Everest. 2-3 years could be adequate if you climb very often, including some high Alpine climbs…. The ice will shimmer translucent blue and green, you will be mortified, but in the end you’ll make it and then transform into Superman, ready to sign autographs!”

At the 24 Hours of Horsetooth Hell, a real Superman won the team comp along with Spiderman, climbing 123 routes, up to 5.13a, in 24 hours, shattering the course record, and scoring enough points to place fourth individually in the team competition. Event organizers were rumored to consider banning him.

A different sort of Spiderman scaled more buildings, saying his favorite part of traveling to climb is “meeting people: presidents and prisoners, kings and shantytown folks,” and Captain Kirk mused about climbing and his motivation for attempting to free-solo El Cap. Extrapolation from work by an anthropologist in Australia could suggest that El Cap may have been free-soloed by Neanderthals long before Camp Four existed.

Neanderthals in America lambasted the President for encouraging kids to stay in school and work hard. The criticism befuddled those with intact frontal lobes and political analysts alike, since the underground Association of Unemployed Climbing Bums has zero political voice.

The Washington (state, that is) Climbers Coalition rallied to save Index Lower Town Wall, one of the best crags in the country, and has less than 18 months to raise the money to buy the cliff. Climbing leaders from seven countries met in Squamish, B.C., for the inaugural Access PanAm meeting, aimed at cooperation on local climber initiatives in the Americas. Their first effort: Save Cochamó.

Erik Weihenmayer is a total badass.

Young Swiss climbers sent the south face of Jasemba, Brits scored the first ascent of the north face of Chang Himal, French went hard on the south spur of Nemjung, Russians suffered hard and proud on a new route in the Kyrgyz Tien Shan, while in the Chinese Tien Shan Scot Bruce Normand and Americans Kyle Dempster and Jed Brown pulled off a Great White Jade Heist. The Alpine Briefs are blocked in China, and the AAJ website is finally live and growing soon.

Scientists created a strain of mouse so lazy it won’t eat.

Definitively un-lazy SuperUltraMegaMan Marko Prezelj had yet another mind-bending trip to the big mountains, this time in India with young Slovenians Rok Blagus and Luka Lindic. After a bureaucrat mix-up scrapped their original itinerary, they winged it to a different area and established major new routes on Bhagirathis II, III, and IV. “I knew that Bhagirathis are interesting for steep climbing and that was enough,” said SuperUltraMegaMarko.

A commenter on Alpinist.com wrote: “Sometimes I think of Marko Prezelj like a god or alpine deity. He is everywhere. Whenever I see a rad picture, it’s usually Marko’s. I’m convinced that he has four arms: two for tools, one for a camera, and yet another to hold up his massive balls.”

—Kelly Cordes